My new website!

Hello and thank you for visiting my blogger site! If you have noticed, I haven't posted anything since 2014. That is because I have my own website now. You can click the link below to see my latest posts and what I am currently up to! Hope to see you there and if you're visiting me from this blog, drop me a comment to let me know you found me on here. Thanks and have a great day! 🥰

http://tabrownwv.com

My Testimony: From addict to free

I apologize in advance for the length.

This post is for the Proverbs 31 online Bible studies blog hop. We are currently studying, Limitless Life by Derwin Gray. For this week’s blog hop, I’ve chosen to share my testimony of going from addict to free that corresponds with Chapter 2 of the book.

I actually have 2 testimonies of going from addict to free.

The 1st is my addiction to cigarettes. I had been a smoker for about 17 years. I started when I was 20 & ended up officially quitting in 2011, after several failed attempts. I had gotten sick with a bad case of bronchitis and the last thing I wanted to do was smoke. It took about 2 weeks for me to get over the coughing & being sick, but it was enough to get me started on my road to quitting smoking. By God’s grace, I am proud to say that I have been smoke free for 3 years now & I think it’s been one of the best things that I have done for my overall health and well-being.

My 2nd testimony of being set free is a little bit more personal for me & the fact that I am able to write & share this with you today is only because of the work that God has done in my life. Especially since I dealt with this addiction in silence for about the same time that I started smoking. It was one that has caused a lot of shame, guilt & fear - which was an addiction to pornography. For many years I carried this addiction that no one knew about & I was too ashamed to admit. But through God’s grace & mercy, He made a way for me to be open & honest with some people through my church & I am now set free of my addiction.

My addiction started when I was in my teens and my parents were going through a separation. I had been snooping one day & came across some of my dad’s adult magazines & ended up sneaking them up to my room. By the time I had graduated high school, my parents had divorced and even though I was a Christian by this time – I accepted Christ at 15 – I was devastated. Instead of turning to God for comfort and help during this time, I kind of went through this rebellious stage. I was looking toward others to find my worth and security.

My porn addiction escalated when I got into a relationship with a guy I had met at a bar where my coworkers and I went for karaoke & several months later, I moved in with him. His roommate had a huge porn collection that my ex & would sometimes borrow videos to watch when he wasn’t home. Over the years that we were together – which was 8 – we ended up using porn to “enhance” our relationship.

Several months after we broke up, I had been working for a company of over 1000 people & I started dating a guy who worked on the same floor as I did. We went out for almost a year & broke up after I started attending & joined a local church with my mom. While we were together, we would visit adult stores because he knew about my previous relationship & how we used to watch movies together. This was my last relationship I’ve had. I’ve been single for almost 10 years now, but I also thank God for this season of singleness.

I ended up attending this church for 5 years until I felt that it was time for me to move on to another church. The church I had been attending is considered to some a legalistic type of church. So while I was a member, I learned a lot about God, but didn’t really have a strong knowledge of his love for me. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t doing enough for Him. So, after I left that one, I took some time off and about 6 months later, I started attending a spirit-filled non-denominational church. Four months after that, I ended up joining that one & becoming a member.

During this time of singleness & church attendance, I spent time growing my relationship with God through prayer & bible study, however, I still continued struggling with my addiction to pornography in which no one knew about, except God. I kept going through the sin-confess-sin-confess cycle for years until last year when I told God I was finally done & something needed to change.

For many years I had been so embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and fearful of my addiction. It almost seemed taboo for a woman to struggle with this type of addiction. And even if they did, it wasn’t something that was talked about in the open. At least where I came from. But God, in his grace & mercy, answered my prayer & made a way for me to be open & honest about my addiction with some trusted Christians that I had already been seeing for prayer and counseling.

I was nervous about contacting my prayer counselor & spilling my guts about something that I had never spoke a word to anyone about, except anonymously online to strangers. But I was shocked & relieved when I received a response from her thanking me for my honesty. She was so gracious & didn’t judge me. We set up an appointment for me to meet with her & 2 other ladies for counseling & an anointed prayer session. After the appointment was over, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was also able to share my freedom with a lady I had met with later to set up getting re-baptized that weekend at church - I was baptized once when I joined that church after my relationship ended.

Afterwards, I had set up weekly meetings & bible studies for several months to keep myself accountable, but to be completely honest, I really didn’t need it, other than to help grow my relationship with God. The reason I say this is because I truly believe that once I was open & honest with several people about my addiction & then getting re-baptized, I think it helped fortify my freedom.

This was back in July of last year & I am happy to say that I am completely free of my addiction. I have not had any urges to look at a movie or magazine of adult nature. And if I do come across something like that now, I just shut it off or walk away from it because it no longer serves a purpose in my life.

I feel like I have been given a fresh start in life & I know that God has a plan & purpose for my life. I do hope that I will eventually end up getting married one day, but this time, I am going to do it God’s way. I am also going to cherish this time that I have as a single person & use it serve God the best way I know how, especially when opportunities like this one open up for me to share my story with others.

Made to Crave, week 2, 1 Peter 5:7

This post is for the Made to Crave online bible study from Proverbs 31 Ministries. 

My goal for this study was to concentrate on drawing closer to God through quiet time, bible study & prayer, more so than the food aspect & the way I crave other things instead of spending time with Him. So, I'm continuing this week to do the bible verse mapping and sharing what I've learned from our verse for the week.

1 Peter 5:7-8 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

(I made the above graphic with @visualpoetry. An app I found for the iPhone.) 

I love how after I read Chapter 4 on Sunday & seeing the verse for the week that I actually had to put it into practice. Without going into too much details, I will share that back in Oct of '12, I was given a promise from God and that it was only here recently within the last few months that I started to see manifestations of it starting to come to pass. However, this week, I guess in a moment of vulnerability the enemy came in & started to plant some doubts in my mind to get me discouraged & give up.

This was on Sunday night,and by Monday morning as I was getting ready for work, I heard in my spirit "things are not always as they seem. The enemy wants to steal your joy and your peace, don't let him." Then later that afternoon, he reminded me again, "do not give up."

I love how the word for this week is "determination". I think it's perfect for what I am going through right now & how the Lord reminded me not to give up. It's so easy to do sometimes when we "feel" like things are not going as we planned. We let our guard down for one moment and the enemy decides to step in and plant seeds of doubt & discouragement, then we are tempted to give up trying - whatever it may be.

Not to give the enemy more credit than he deserves, but it's sad that he knows us better than we know ourselves, especially during times of weakness and vulnerability. He's studied us for a long time and knows exactly what buttons to push to get us to question God. Just like he did with Eve. That is why I had to include the rest of the verse above.

I wrote the following prayer poem on Monday while I was reflecting on this verse &  going through my moment of doubt & questioning.

Lord when temptations come & life feels out of control
Remind me to look to you, the Lover of my soul
You know me better than I know myself
It is only in you that I will find my rest
The enemy prowls around seeking someone to devour
I need to be on my guard, each and every hour
He wants to kill, steal and destroy the hope I find in you
But I know that with you by my side, i will get my breakthrough
You are my shelter & fortress, in you I can stand
You hold my very life in the palm of your hand
You care for me deeply, because I am your daughter
Bought by the blood of your son & cleansed by the water
I love you Lord because you first loved me
and in your arms I'll always be
safe and secure no need to fret
Because your have not failed me yet.

Made to Crave, Week 1, Psalm 84:2

This post is a part of the Made to Crave online bible study from Proverbs 31 ministries.


For this blog entry, I chose option #2 which is to "Unpack our scripture for the week and share with us what you learned"

MY SOUL YEARNS, EVEN FAINTS FOR THE COURTS OF THE LORD; MY HEART AND FLESH CRY OUT FOR THE LIVING GOD. -  Psalm 84:2 (NIV)

MY SOUL = Very being, essence

YEARNS –desires, pines after
FAINTS – becomes weak
MY HEART – inner man, mind, will, heart
AND FLESH - flesh
CRY OUT – shout, sing for joy
FOR THE LIVING – alive
GOD – almighty

Psalm 84:2 - Amplified Bible (AMP)

2 My soul yearns, yes, even pines and is homesick for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out and sing for joy to the living God.

Does my soul yearn, even faint for the courts of the Lord?

Do my heart & my flesh cry out for the Living God?
Or does my soul, my very essence, crave or even desire other things before God?

These are the questions that come to mind when I begin to unwrap this verse. If I am being completely honest, I wish I could say that I do put God above everything else or that I “crave God” more than anything, but I don’t.

It becomes very apparent to me especially when my flesh would rather sleep in that extra 30 minutes in the morning than get up & spend time praying or reading my Bible before leaving for work. Or when I come home in the evening & plop down on the couch to watch TV to relax instead of being more intentional about reading one of the many books that I’ve bought & haven’t read yet. One that will enrich my spiritual life & help me to grow as a Christian.

Yes, my soul & my heart desire to spend more time with God & to be in his presence. Especially since I know that on those occasions when I am intentional about spending that time with God, there is fullness of joy in His presence. I always come away feeling refreshed, renewed & restored. But my crazy flesh wants to get in the way.

For me, this "made to crave" journey is going to be more about craving God & His presence in my life than it will be about food. I've done this study several times before & in the past it had been about food & weight loss. But the more times I've gone through this study, I've realized that it's more about putting things or craving things more than I do Him. Through the past times I've been through this study, I have lost weight, controlled my food cravings & quit smoking. But this time, I'm going to focus more on what is keeping me from spending more time with Him.

#YestoGod Wholly Commited

As I was debating on which blog topic I wanted to write about this past week, it was clear to me after I went to church on Wednesday night. My Pastor talked about taking up our crosses and following him from Matthew 16:24-28. So I knew that wholly committed would be my topic.

One thing I have found to be interesting about this #YestoGod journey & Bible study that I started is that it came shortly around the time I made 2 decisions. The 1st was that my 'one word' for the 2nd half of 2013 would be "surrender" and the 2nd is that I decided to get re-baptized.

You can watch the video here. :)

Making the decision to get re-baptized is not only a beautiful symbol of surrender, but it also shows that I made a commitment to follow him publicly.

One of the things that my pastor mentioned that I made note of was that the word deny means to disown one self or own interests. So we have to make a daily decision that will either yield to the spirit or give into our fleshly desires - which is me most of the times. It also means that we need to be putting the things of God and His kingdom 1st. 

Surrendering or denying myself has been difficult because my crazy flesh keeps wanting to get in the way. I'm also used to being independent that it has been hard to let go of certain things that I feel I should be able to handle. But as previous experience has taught me it is in those small things that I need Him most.

He also said that the "cross" is a sign of commitment and when it says to "deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me", Jesus is saying that we need to lay down our own will and take up "our cross". In order to take up something we must lay something down.So in other words, we must lay down our own plans, desires, wishes and "take up" God's calling, purpose, plan & will for our life. 

That is why I think this whole SURRENDER & YES TO GOD is so interesting. Especially since I've been saved for over 23, but I haven't always been committed to God and His plan for my life. My journey has had many ups and downs and gone down many roads I wish I had never gone. But at the same time, if I hadn't, I never would have had the pleasure of knowing that God "works for the good of those who love Him". (Romans 8:28 NIV). Plus, it wouldn't have shaped me into the person I am today.

The above post is in response to the  Yes to God Blog Hop week 3

#PalmsUp

Welcome to my blog & the 1st post for the online bible study for What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa TerKeurst hosted by Melissa Taylor through Proverbs 31 ministries.

For this weeks topic, I chose #3 #PalmsUp.
In the bible study section at the end of the chapter Lysa asks, "What is holding you back from going deeper in your relationship with God?" List one or more things you sense holding you back (fear, intimidation, time, lack of confidence, etc). Use your bible study tools to find scriptures that will help you apply God's truth in this area. Determine to release, surrender, and move forward with #PalmsUp receiving all God has for you.

I first chose this topic when the OBS email was sent on Sunday. I hadn't even read the 1st chapter yet, but I already knew this is the one I wanted write about. It was mostly due to the word "surrender" - which happens to be "My One Word" this year - or at least this 2nd half of the year. I didn't chose my word until mid June, but the Lord has definitely confirmed my choice. 

Then last night at mid week Bible study at church, my Pastor spoke on "What Is In Your Hand?" He talked about how God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt & Moses told him how he was unqualified. Then in Exodus 4:1-5 God asked him "what is that in your hand?" And Moses said a rod. God told him to cast in on the ground and when he did it became a serpent. 

My pastor said that it wasn't until Moses released what he was holding onto that God was able to finally bring it to life. God can't use anything we are tightly holding on to.

For me, I believe that fear is one of the things that keeps me from going deeper in my relationship with God. Fear is very paralyzing and it is also the opposite of faith. I know deep down that I need to trust God more - especially in the areas of finances & my future - so that is why I chose the word SURRENDER. I want to surrender those fears to Him, let go off those things that I'm trying to hold on too tightly and live my life with my PALMS UP ready to receive what it is that God wants to give - or take away - as the case may be.

I wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes from Chapter One that really stood out to me.

In this first one, I love that she says we don't need perfect circumstances or the perfect religious attitude or all the answers. We just have to surrender - there's my word - all that's clamoring for attention in our heart.

You don't need perfect circumstances to be a woman who says yes to God. You don't need the perfect religious attitude or all the answers to religious questions. You simply have to surrender all that's clamoring for attention in your heart with the answer God is longing to hear spill from your lips, "Yes, God." - p. 13 &14

This is a great quote on radical obedience.

You may be surprised to discover that radical obedience is not really that radical. It is really biblical obedience - but we've strayed so far from biblical obedience that it now seems radical. Then a little further down that paragraph, Lysa says, we will never experience the radical blessings God has in store for us without radical obedience. It is the road that leads to blessing. It is what happens when women say yes to God.  - p. 18

And here is another one with my word "surrender" along with radical obedience.

Saying yes to God isn't about perfect performance, but rather perfect surrender to the Lord day by day. Your obedience becomes radical the minute this desire turns into real actions. Radical obedience is hearing from God, feeling His nudges, participating in His activity and experiencing His blessings in ways few people ever do. - p 19 

The following is a screenshot from my iPhone the quote about "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." I've seen it posted in emails and on FB and I just love it because all the people that did great things for God in the Bible were just like you and me. Imperfect with our flaws & maybe even a past we're not too happy about, but the great thing is God loves us and will use us despite our human imperfections. All we have to do is being a willing vessel and follow Him wherever he wants to lead us.
 

Stressed Less Living Bible study, week 2

If you are visiting from the blog hop, welcome & if you are not from the blog hop, this post is part of an online Bible study called, Stressed Less Living, though Melissa Taylor of Proverb's 31 ministries.

This is my 1st blog post for the study & it is the actually the easiest chapter for me to comment on because I can actually relate to Tracie in the fact that stress can take it's physical toll on the body.

To briefly share, I had my gallbladder removed back in 2008 & during my recovery, I ended up going through a really stressful time. I found out the church I was attending was teaching some some unbiblical doctrines that I just couldn't handle & I spent the next 7-8 months praying, seeking God's will & gaining enough courage to leave the church.

Fast forward 3 years, in February of 2011 I ended up quitting smoking after being a smoker for about 17 years. I had been wanting to quit several times before that, but I'd quit for several months and then I start back up again because of stress or other problems. However, this time what changed is that I ended up with bronchitis & then pneumonia, which made it virtually impossible to smoke. So I decided this would be a good time as any. I tried using the patches & gum for the 1st couple weeks, but basically quit cold turkey after that because I was having a bad reaction to both. Overall, it wasn't too bad, but let's just say that it's only by the grace of God that I didn't harm anyone in the process. LOL!!

By May, I noticed that I started having bad digestive issues. At first I thought it was because of having my gallbladder removed, so I was watching my diet more closely for anything that I may be eating that is either high in fat or spicy, but it didn't seem to help. Then I thought that it may be a food intolerance, so at 1st I started with dairy products, but it only helped some. But after doing some research, I thought it may be a gluten/wheat sensitivity. So, I made an appointment with my doctor & had a blood panel done & it came back with a "possible" wheat intolerance. She wanted me to go on a gluten free diet for several months to see how it would affect me, but after going on it for several weeks I decided it wasn't for me. It was getting to be expensive on a low budget & having to check every label. Plus I DON'T COOK!!  Talk about stressful. I talked to my doctor & asked to be scheduled to test for celiac disease. I just wanted to be sure before completely eliminating it & committing to something I didn't have to. So that October I had a small intestinal biopsy to check for celiac, but the test came back negative. I was then diagnosed with IBS, just like Tracie (see p 54). BTW, add on some more stress from doctor visits. YAY!!

Well, my symptoms over the next year just kept getting worse & by October of 2012, I was becoming a social recluse because of my digestive issues. I was missing several days of work each month. Plus, I also had to take a break from being a choir member at church because I was missing practices and oversleeping on Sunday mornings. After finally having had enough, I went back to my doctor because I noticed that I had slowly developed anxiety, which also lead to mild depression. I had been doing some research and finally came to the conclusion that stress was the culprit & my health was suffering for it. Since there really isn't any kind of official test that the doctor's can do to check for stress related illness, you basically have to rule out the "symptoms" to find the cause. I did, however, have my doctor test my thyroid to make sure there wasn't any issues with it because a couple of the symptoms I had been experiencing matched the diagnosis. But all my blood work came back negative.

So, just 2 months ago, my doctor put me on an low dose anti-depressant for the anxiety & by the grace of God, it actually has been helping me. I really didn't want to have to go on an anti-anxiety/depressant medication, but I was desperate & I submitted the situation to God before seeing the doctor. So I believe that He can use anything that we submit to Him for His good and perfect will for our lives. I'm not 100% yet, but for the 1st time in a long time I'm getting my hope back & I'm able to spend more time in the Word without being tired, fatigued or too frazzled to concentrate.

I also believe that God's timing is soo perfect - if I could just remember that & trust in it - because the fact that this study coincided with me starting this medication 2 months ago is only proof that all things work together for good and I am determined to see this study through. :)